hey, if you're reading this, im either dead, you're my new therapist i've sent this to, or you're on my computer w/o my permission. fuck you. specially you dad... if you're suffering the solution is to fix yaself not drag everyone down with you.
but if you're here then heres just some of what i've been torn up about this past week.

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why is my dad deadnaming me behind my back? is it because he doesnt respect my identity - it's because he doesnt respect my identity.
why did he refuse to stand up for me to mom? i know she wouldnt change her ways that easily... but it sure woud be nice. itd mean the world to me in that it signifies he actually accepts me and isnt just plaing qalong in the hopes that it's just a phase and itll pass eventually. 
does he not respect my identity? (he doesnt) does he think this is just a phase? what about mke makes him unwilling to confront the truth: that i'm trans and it's not because i've been manipulated, i actually prefer living as a woman?
is his refusal to accept my transness... does it come from a place of misogyny? does he not want me to transition because no one would take me seriously, or is that just what he thinks and he's projecting on to the fceless head of Big buisiness, this entity that distributes jobs?
why does my own mother not want me in her house? is it because of brad's prejudices or her own? is there even any meaningful distinction between them anymore? is it even worth it non-monertarily?
who really sent adrienne after rissa? i think it was grace, ut it's not out of the ordinary to think that she couldve found me on her own and then once i came out she noticed and said those thigns...did she really think that harassing her on instagram would change anything meaningful? cuz no it wouldnt... whatd she mean by "you're ruining everything" ? ws she planning somthing? did she honestly think she'd have a chance with me? we're too different (also i'm proudly t4t) and... if she was gonna rip on my gf in order to get usto break up, do you not think she wouldn't have told me? this is a rare case where i can't definitively say "oh she's too smart for that" because i legitimately do not know. ik rissa didn't take any of it personally and it was more funny than anything but what if i find someone new and she harasses them too? what if they're a lot more susceptible to this type of thing than she was?

why does he feel the need to criticise me at every chance? is there some perverse joy / satisfaction he gets from it? does it make him feel superior???
does he not know about lucy? (fairpoint, even i didn't know til a few months ago) 
he said "I don't like you when you're like this" (while she was fronting) implying that even his love has limits... exactly the same thing he told me about rissa...which is the same thing she told me abt my mom... im starting to think they were all lying and just wanted to manipulate me... exactly the thing they accused my friends of doing. funny how tht works
when rissa said she didnt think we're good for each other,  i kinda brushed it off as in the mokment hysteria, cuz i just oput a huge hole in her wall. she wqas right.  was it wrong of me to do that? did i take her for granted? i think i did
did rkelly really think just going to a gaming store would help? am i that simple to him? are all autistic ppl the same to him? i've grown beyond that and the one thing thatd make me feel better is actually talking to the ppl ive wronged and having the chance to apologize?
do they even wnt to talk to me? im getting some mixed messages but idk...
he wants me to wear something conservative? wtfffff i guess he thinks im doing it for otherw people to get a rise out of them... bro is so disconnected from reality its not even funny lmao

	Liberalism leaving the body of a democrat when their daughter isn't dressed conservatively lmaoooooooooooo

does he think... bro says its bullshit to "live your truth" bro wtfff... i don't think he gets it.
he doesnt want us to see each other more we have to... as evidenced by him not picking me up at hers when i had to pick up my stuff. he does not understand we're still friends (i think) and that we're gonna talk and he cant do a thing about it.
does he not get that what's causing me pain is that i have to live with him in his depressing house instead of with my epic girlfriend in her depresing dorm??
im just gonna get my shit 2day... if he doesnt like it he can go kill himself
am i starving myself as a form of self punishment? is this even a valid way?
god... however bad i thought it was gonna be when we broke ip? it's worse. it's SO MUCH WORSE. he actually thinks im just transitioning to get a rise out of people and that everyone else is too. the thing is... hes not happy so he wants to drag everyone else into being unhappy with him. misery loves company.  very catholic of him... and very liam of him too. i guess thats why they got along..
why doesnt he want to stand up for me? he saw how much i hated that... and he wont lift a finger? why? oh wait i know why... he's hoping now that im not talking to those bad trannies that ill stop wanting to be a girl on my own. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. alot of my euphoria has been private... i dont wanna show him my tits... (still absolutely unreal that i have em. btw. if you even care...)hes wierd abt women as is... and now his son is one
i dont think any amount of websites i can send him will change his mind... hes like me ig... too stubborn. 
it sucks cuz i want supportive parents whom i have a good relationship with but idk if thats like..possible. specially not if they see e being trans as just a phase. but idk if hes ever gonna get there and i have to live with him. hes so bad that an entire alter exists thats just him and he literally soyjaks at me wheneverr i do anything. horrible.
that a running theme. ppl i hate just live rent free in my head. horrible
wait... is he the reason behind my imposter syndrome? like... is his incessant doubt the reqson i tĥink all the time athat the things i do are just performativr?? ugh i miss not living with him... those three months it wasnt just living with my gf that made me happy it was  not living with him.
no ones even gonna ask if i ok... they just looked away once i entered the room... fuck
i want to step in but... everyone knows abt the catholic guilt.. its part of mormonism
similarly, is my mothers cop mentality the reason that i always think abt punishment, both as it relates to m as well as to others?
holy shit im not padding or anything... and i have tits. wild how that works... its awesome
am i wrong for not wanting to cite tits as a thing i want out of hrt? cuz knowing my parents they r gonna think it's weird but on the other hand... with things like die Boobenpillen it's caused more questions than answers. 
i LIKE having them and i want them to get bigger, but how do i like communicate this without coming across as weird? they probably don't know what an agp is, which means they don't know that it's bullshit so that's good? i guess
i know if he sees this hes gonna say some shit like "you just dont like me because you know what im saying is true but you dont wanna admit it cuz youre stubborn... no... its cause youre straight up LYING to preserve your position...like the penis thing. when i have to call your brother to prove tou wrong and he was more accepting than you were... yep. not a good look. 
i cant talk to anyone about this til i get a therapist. thats the reason why we broke up isnt it... cause i treated her like one. its like youre choking  - you cant tell anyone that youre choking...
fuck i wanna make a groupchat to apologize but i dont know if that would draw comparisons to violet... last thung i want... the soyjak is winning today
i am verrry scared that if i try to rizz someone up ill unconsciously drift into the violet mindset... youre so cute when youre excited... i dont wanna fll into that trap
am i psyching myself out ? is me thinking about this... is that the sole determining factor?
why was my dad so obsessed with how i'm dressed? ohhhh youre going out looking like that? on the TRAIN??? bro the only transphobic one here is you most ppl are normal and dont care... most nazis are too busy driving their ford super duty and running over 5 kids on the way to campus... and most online haters stay in their rooms and post online
i want to talk to amity some more but shes got a thing going with ivy and i dont wanna get in the middle of that...guh... my paranoia saved me once itd be wise to be cautious here too
also if ivy actually hates me shes almost definitely been talking shit about me to amity... like maybe she tod her she was concerned for me cause of the past week but ivy told her to not care... and if thats true shes almost certainly done it to her whole group...and who knows how many oyhers from there. ik this is all hypothetical but
god damn i need to go back to ezri's and get high and cuddle with everyone again... it fixed me for a while last time 
but would they even invite me? am i even worthy of their attetion? am  wrong for only thinking about that and not them as people?
look at me am  wrong for thinking this? this is th typa shit violet gets up to why am i like tis... i am a bad person and the only reason rissa n reese ever saw anything in me is cuz they thouht i was hot
what if they don't show up? am i gonna be waiting here for hours then go to calass and then ... what? just go back home?? ugh
is ivy saying these things because she actually hates me for kissing her roommate and they are actually just snide remarks or is rissa right and they were just banter? i legitimately cannot tell and i do not wanna pull a violet and ask over discord
but remembering what happened at grid? im getting massive tyler vibes from her... ots the furthest thing froma a compliment... that was the mf who traumatized me in middle school...
why did they like the shit i sent to them vut didnt return my texts? is it appeasement? do they think that playing along will keep them from having to talk to me? 
HOW TF AM I GONNA APOLOGIZE THEN. LAST THING I DID WAS TELL IVY TO SHUT UP, GUILT THE WHOLE CHAT THEN DISAPPEAR AND SELFHARM ON INSTA. i dont know... and im too afraid to ask for fear of violeting...
o think the whole thing abt ohhhh you dont have evidenceso why should i believe you is a good thing outside of court. like this is a cop mentality and you already know firsthNd where that gets you... mom does it all the time
at this point i think living at my moms is the best outcome... being around him is just... depressing
is this what all buisness majors are like? is this all they have to look forward to? god its sad... i was sad before but then i found out about insane tranny sex and... i was happy... and now i dont have that
its sad... he doesnt clean, hes not good @ cooking, and all he does since he doesn have a job is sit downstairs with his rotting laptop and watch news and sports and marvel movies. the misery is rubbing off on me and now i wanna kill myself even more... maybe the psych ward was the best outcome
why does he yell so much it makes him sound like a petulant manchild... its not fun to talk to him when he's like this
still thinking about die Boobenpillen. how could he not realize that was a joke i feel like it wouldve been obvious from context
damn they were right. he who smelt it dealt it. cept in this case he dumps on trump for being exactly how he is.
maybe im wrong and every bad quality is like linked in my head so if someone has been determined to be Bad then i can ascribe any bad quality to them mentally
hmmm chould there be something to that? is this why ivy is the way she is? are we more similar than i realized? 
its not a good idea to like push it anymore with my mom cuz mjs surgery... fuck i need an out so bad but i feel like im not gonna get one... my sster had the right idea it's depressing to live here and imma move out at my earliest convinience but its gonna be hard to do that without getting a job which i have no motivation to do... 
is he right about the free time thing? do i just not want to put in any work? or is this a neurodivergent thing that means i ust need more time to do work and thus cant have a job and school at the same time
have i lost my whole ass friendgroup? now i know theyre p secular... but i don't know if i want to go back to loft... violet is there and im not too fond of being called cute when im excited
on some level i know this is all my doing, that if i had taken my bag back like i shouldve then i woudnt be in this mess... but would that only have delayed the inevitable? we may never know
oh god what if they see the scars and put 2 and 2 together but they think it was all performative? that i only cut myself to post on instagram and get attention? no thats not what happened it's a genuine problem
that guy who was just here/... i think he stole it... why else would he be there, run away the moment the cops showed up, and then ghost me over text? and his only appearance to me since was him telling me f2f that there aint hit they could do
ykw id do'nt matter that much i alr got a wii and imma get a switch soon anyways... but the wii doesn't work sometimes idk if thats a ventilation thing or just cause its old.
am i wrong for like talking to luna so soon after rissa? its been less than a week....
why dog noises? like im still ouppy but...scared...
am i wrong for not wanting to talk to them over disc? did they block me? no they didnt it was a nothingburger ig....
update: it's all ok imma talk to claire on thursday
i cannot talk to people anymore
this is horrible
whyyyy
ughhh
rissa n amity sat next to eachother... no space... fuckkkkkkkkkk i fumbled 2 bags
theyre acting like im not here... did i do smthn wrong? (yes)
hate this feeling and the worst part is ... idk if this is self inflicted or not but uhh. yeah
good thing i didnt bring any1 here for a while... i bet shed get mad
god damn it she leaned away from me because she dealt with enough drama the past couple yeats this is awful please someone kill me now this is horrible
hate to say it but...lav was more welcoming
she literally moved couches to not sit with me can someone please kill me now
i want to cry but ive more or less gone fully numb. why. but i cant just say fuck it and leave because im emotionally unstabel because that just cinfirmst heir suspicions. 
god i really am destined to be the next dee aint i. it twas onlt a latter of time ..
it really sucks because i desperately wanna talk to them but i cant just act like nothing happened. 
think i might need a mood stabilize r fr
i want someone to kill me quickly is this normal it hurts to live i cant deal with these mood swings help
...its over. it still doesn't feel real. i think we can say for certaijn that regardless of whether i try or not, i'm . a BAD PERSON and do not deserve life. i'll be killing myself st my earliest convenience.  

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yeah i need therapy desperately
hopefullly i get it and ashlyn baker responds and takes me off waitlist... rkelly is not helping... hes quite frankly not the person to talk to regarding this stuff




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~6 MONTHS LATER  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELP. its been a bit hasnt it ? 
tbh not much has changed. i still miss them but ....well ima get to that.
ashlyn got back to me and now i have an actual effective therapist !!!!!!! pogchamp
AND i got a stable way to get my HRT and put it on my dad's dime !!!!!! i just have to stay in school to maintain it. but this is HUGE.
hes still transphobic asf but in my eyes? if he'd forsake his daughter like that then he had it coming.
but i still gotta get job to keep up appearances. so the challenge then is, whats a job that ion have to work too hard at and is also convinient for me ? and the answer is .,....... not fucking chick fil a. 
omg they suck. constantly deadnaming me and then when i confront them abt it thewy say ohhhhh we have to use ur legal name NO YOU DO NOT. WE ARE FASTFOOD WORKERS WHOS GONNA CARE.  
so i quit. this isnt a retcon thius was genuinely what i was thinkin as a picked that fight about the reciept dispenser. 
but then i got an offer from blacksheep. masth says they pay more for less time than cfa so its a no brainer. also its on campus so i have an excuse to be there more :3
and then theres lily. honestly, i wanted to wait. i debated myself for so long about , oh what if she wanted me to wait? what if this is a test? NO YOU CANT ASK HER ABOUT THIS THAT VIOLATES THE RULES AND SHE;LL GET SUS wdym 
but, then sadie hit mem up and i was like well lets ee where this goes. i do still wnna get back with you tho ........... idk its 
OH SHIT yeah my dad also decided that the support group SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED for trans ppls parents wouldnt work. i feel like fuckin man ray havin toi explain this to him.




geneva ....... oof. what do i even say. 
once upon a time i was into it. im not gnna deny that. but now its just flipped over into full onm hatred. this is literally just cause of the ezri bullshit. yeah its THAT BAD.
i like to say, "if you don't know what you're sorry for, you're not sorry." well if thasts the case, i'm as close to sorry as i can be.
you needed someone. that poerson wasnt me but i lied to you and said it was.
like where do you get off telling ezri who it can be friends with. now that's just scummy and manipulative. I WOULD KNOW.
obv i want my stuff back, but in this case? it can keep it. it DESERVES to remember me every time it goes back there. (let me be evil just once)

ezri...... ur cool still. like deadass. ik u8 still wanted to talk to me and it was really nice of u to give me another chance even after i fucked up the first 2. long as ion have to deal with geneva marie or ivy again id be happy to hang out.
and if you find urself back in lav fr sm reason, check behind the tv. i think you'll like it. ;3